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  • Aka Naksha

Three night...

I had a dream last night about three different men. I know! It seems amazing and fascinating, but when I started to think more about it, it was my subconscious telling me about my life.

The dream started with my husband. It was ideal and serene, we were in bed, it was cozy, we were happy. He smiles at me and within a split second, the room starts to spin, it is hot and nothing makes sense. The thermostat had been set to 45°C by my son the night before and now the house is about to explode because the water heater is out of control (not sure that's how the heating works, but that's what my brain was saying). All the stress, baggage, financial worries, obligations and responsibilities start to surround and suffocate me. The moment of bonding is lost between us. I half wake up, disappointed and struggling.

Falling back to sleep, the scene changes. I am driving with my best friend of 25 years. We were talking, flirting harmlessly and discussing which new trendy lounge to check out. As he is showing me his charming ways juggling tiny bottles of perfume, suddenly my parents show up in the back seat. They are asking for a ride to some out of the way location. All the charm has disappeared and now the car feels claustrophobic and I am trapped. We had a misunderstanding four years ago which we still haven't moved past and this dream brought about the reality of a wedge in our relationship and no matter how much you can try to have fun, the problem gets in the way.

I flip over and continue to dream. This time I am in my home, but it isn't exactly mine. It is bigger and much neater. I am sitting on the floor in the living room. The front door flies open and a man I met casually a few months ago appears from nowhere. He is wearing a tight white t-shirt, blue jeans and is pushing a lawn mower through the front door! He has a dazzling smile and as he looks over at me, he begins to flex his muscles. Then he starts to dance, raises an eyebrow and is ridiculously charismatic. I can't help but smile and truly take in the moment. The fact that he is practically a stranger, has brought a lawn mower into my house and is behaving irresponsibly doesn't even phase me because there is no history, no ties and just his presence makes me feel desirable.

I awake. I am oddly exhausted. I breathe, I smile because the last thing I remember is this cute guy in a tight shirt not only trying to impress me, but wanting me. And then I flash back to my best friend who I have now lost and I feel sadness. Then I look over to my stable and dependable partner and husband of almost 20 years and I realize, this is my reality. What tugs at me, is that I don't know how to feel. Content, loved, grateful...

I just wanted to share this tidbit because life is ever changing and often challenging. Knowing what you want or need can be tricky. The trade offs might not be worth it. Or perhaps, you need to change your perspective. Journaling and expressing my thoughts and feelings has helped me pave a path to finding my true self.

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